…skim milk masquerades as cream.” Gilbert and Sullivan
I am living in limbo. A surreal place of light and sounds and smells and voices populated by nurses, technicians, therapists, family members and the Occasional Thoracic Physician, whose only job is to say, “One more day…we’ll get you out of here…one more day.”
I feel like I have to apologize to everyone for being such a bother, yet they are all so happy I can hardly stand it. It doesn’t help that I’ve never been this sick. I hate to inconvenience anyone; perhaps that’s the root of all of this. I said something stupid earlier and pissed off Dawn and when I finally admitted my weakness to myself and called the nurse for some oxywhatever, I found myself sobbing in front of her, apologizing for my existence. I felt badly afterwards, and wanted to apologize for my apology, but that would be silly and pointless.
Now I feel the effects of the oxywhatever and I’m smiling for the first time since yesterday. I’m relaxing and feeling the buzz. Gawd, I hate that feeling. Too much like the old days.
I know from AA that acceptance is the answer to all my problems. I also have to fight this air leak and fight this bug and be strong for my children and family. How do I fight and accept at the same time?