I tried having a pity party this morning. We drunks do that so well. It’s very difficult being stuck here like this because I want to be able to do things and walk around and see my dogs and be with “my peeps” at Trinity today.
I had awful dreams last night. Nothing concrete, just wisps of images and sounds. LOUD clanking metal, water running, voices. I felt like I was groping and grasping for things. I slept soundly…almost six hours…but the dream itself was fitful. I woke up trying to figure out all the sounds and images.
Being like this…stuck in a room, tethered to a bed, being dependent on others…can be very frustrating. When I got up today my first thoughts were, “OK, kid, do I deal with this today or curl up and make everyone else miserable?” I tried the latter. Dawn stopped me. The nurse stopped me. Finally I made the choice to stop myself, too. It’s made a huge difference. I was letting my own bad attitude get in the way of my relationships with others. I was going to let my pain block the sunlight of the Spirit from my life today. The woman I love, my sweet Dawn Ann, came through for me again like she has time and time before and helped me through this awful, rough morning.
Dawn knows me so well and she nailed everything down in a note she sent to Trinity yesterday. I am down today, deep down, because I want to be at Trinity today with my church family. Tears are flowing. I’m their deacon and I feel like I’m letting them down. This is the note Dawn sent them:
My Brothers and Sisters at Trinity;
I will not be at church
tomorrow, 1/4/09. I am staying at the hospital to watch over Jon and
take care of him as much as possible. I do have to leave for about an
hour tomorrow morning, as something has come up, but other than that, I
will be here with him.
The normal 20-minute VATS (video assisted thoracic surgery) ended
up taking more than 2.5 hours, due to his airway collapsing and causing
major problems getting an airway established with the intubation, then
there was lots of bleeding, it was difficult to get the biopsy samples
due to the fibrotic nature of the tissue, and the bronch procedure had
a lot of problems…suffice it to say, there was quite a battle in the
operating room and even more so in the recovery areas, where he stayed
for another 4 hours. He didn’t make it up to his room until well after
They are giving him breathing treatments several times a day and he
has a tube coming out of his back draining blood and fluid from his
lung, as he has a leak into the pleural space. He will be stuck here in
the hospital until the leak heals; then, AND ONLY THEN, will they take
him off the suction and allow him to move about more freely. He will
possibly be able to go home a few days after that.
We should know the results of the biopsy by the end of next week;
that will tell us what the treatment options are, not to mention give
us a better picture of the prognosis. The not knowing seems to be the
worst part. A lot of the pain he has is his shoulder that was pulled up
over his head for almost 3 hours and is all knotted up, along with all
the bruising and such from the surgery. He is getting both Oxycontin
and Morphine for pain, but only takes them when he really needs them.
He is so disappointed about not being there tomorrow – he was so
looking forward to it – and to preaching the sermon! Bishop Howe came
to see him yesterday after returning to town from visiting relatives
out of state and reassured him that things happen and it would just
have to wait a week. Jon so loves the people of Trinity and is so
excited to have the opportunity to serve as Deacon to the Parish there.
He wants so badly to do well and to serve you all well and he feels
badly that he has this “hiccup” of a start.
I am sending this to everyone I have an email address for; please
pass this on to the rest of the Trinity family and please let Larry
Lasater know that I will not be in the choir tomorrow morning for the
10:30 service to help sing/chant the psalm. Please also pass on my
apologies; I’m sure the good Lord won’t mind if I worship him here,
with Jon, in the hospital room.
If anyone wants to stop by and visit, I know it will lift Jon’s spirits. He is in room 224 of the PCU Centerpoint Hospital in Independence. He has his laptop with him, so if you want to send him an email, you can also do that. His email address is: email@example.com. Or you can call him on his cell phone at: 816-309-0381.
“I was always looking outside myself for
strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the
time.” – Anna Freud