jonesin’?

I’m trying not to jones over my CT/PET scan next Thursday.  Point is I’m scared shitless about it…and I entertain two thoughts to prevent myself from going meshuggah: the Serenity Prayer and a quote from Saint Julian of Norwich: All will be well, all will be well, all manner of things will be well.

What frightens me most about the scan is the contrast dye.  Even though I’ll be drugged senseless (well, not really) with benadryl and solumedrol, I *am* allergic to the dye.  Sure, things went well with the cardiac cath I had two years ago…for some reason this frightens me! 

I have discovered a wonderful online community…a lymphoma message board…and although I felt like a knob posting there sans diagnosis, I have found good support and advice there…and that’s what I need. 

There are people praying for me literally all over the world…and what I find disturbing is that I don’t feel bouyed by prayer at all.  This scares me, too!  Maybe I really need to center and pray more.  I’m trying to focus on Dawn now, since she’s so ill with laryngitis at home.  I tend to do that…focus on others, not myself.  When am I so weak when it comes to my own self-care?

God give me patience—NOW!

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